Time heal wounds 💜 (past vs present)

Hi there. Its been a while since my last post here. Pinlano ko ulet buhayin ang aking blog site Pero naunahan ako ng katamaran. But since, one year na ko dto sa Bahrain officially today, I have to do something na malapit sa passion ko. And to start, I will tell my recent experience regarding sa pakikipagusap ko sa EX ko. Yes/ not just ex but my first love as well. I had a crazy stage of moving on with him, I did loved him so much, ung pagmamahal na wagas, unstopable. Naloko ako, wagas din 😂😂😂 and it made me think that my life was totally ruined. Then I decided to come here in Bahrain. Nung first months ko, struggle bukod sa homesick mas lalo ako naparanoid coz I'm far away from him, ung bisyo ko na habulin sya di ko magawa dito. All I can do is to stalk on his Facebook account, which I made a fraud account pa para LNG ma-add sya at makita what he's up to. And found out he has a girlfriend na, it s*cks men! Every time magpost sya ng picture with the new girl, it hurts me to the bone. Paulit ulit ko din denedeactivate ung fraud account to stop this crazy thing, Pero wala inaactivate ko pdin. Para syang bisyo tlga, di ko mapigilan. But then one day, God changed everything. Di ko din maexplain how did it happen, Pero He send me this guy to love me, guide me, tell me that I'm wrong, showing me what is right and everyday I feel like I'm learning, I'm becoming a good version of myself. From lasingera, lakwatsera, walang pakialam sa suot at sasabihin ng ibang tao, I mean I can't explain right now exactly what I want to say, but I can feel it from within. Now, I can totally say what's a priority and not for me. And most especially he's bringing me closer to God. Yes, he's not perfect, were both not perfect, were doing mistakes also, but the thing is we put God as the center of our relationship. Oppps, going back to the ex/firstlove issue. Un nga, so I must say nakamove on na ko from the love and pain he cause me. But few months ago, he started giving msgs on my fb messenger, nangangamusta ba. I felt bother why suddenly I got excited. That time, curiosity hits me a lot kaya aun, si reply naman ako, usual talks. He has a gf, I have a bf. So I'm thinking there's nothing wrong plus the fact na our conversation goes like this lang ("kamusta?" "Okay LNG, ikaw?" "Okay LNG din, yngat ka Jan ah" "sure" "kelan ka uwe?" "2017 pa, next year pa" ) something like that. Not until last June, he told me there's no forever and telling they broke up. First, little excitement nanman. And keep asking myself if I still have feelings for him. He started telling he misses me, we talked about the things we used to do before. It felt like I miss him as well, but I never tell him so, coz if I do, its like I'm cheating with my current bf. Then, we continued chatting until early this month. But its not the every minute, everyday chatting, its like 2-3 times a week. But still confuse why I'm still doing this. Until last week I asked him some favor, like if he can send some surprise to mom at work since he's just within that area. At first, I'm 100% sure he wouldn't do it, but I'm so amused he said yes. Wow that's actually wow. He's willing to make efforts huh, but then when I told him how much do I have to pay for him delivery efforts he tells like this:

Probably at first, its also my intension to do this so we have something to talk about, I mean so atleast continuously we can talk. And figured out about this weird feeling I had. But just 4days ago, after talking to him I started to think if is it really worth it to put him back on my life? Why I'm doing this? I also felt like I'm cheating already with my bf. Coz I lied to him when he asked me who will do the surprise for my mom. At tska puro English na ko ah. Kaya pala nagiistruggle ndin ako. Hahaha un nga. Di na ko makatiis and kinausap ko si Mahal, since from day one we clearly want an honest relationship, no secrets no lying. And I felt like I'm guilty. Sinabe ko sa kanya the whole story, nastutter ang Mahal ko. Di DW sya makapaniwala na nagawa ko un, Pero ma's lalo ako humanga sa Mahal ko ng nasabe nya lahat sa napaka mahinahon na paraan, I can see he's hurting, mangilidngilid ang luha but still manage to smile on me, samantalang ako, pag may onti LNG syang di nagawa halos magwala na ko ng wagas. And then napagtanto ko gano ko kamahal ng taong to, that I can't afford to waste this love he has for me. 💜 Ung lalaking nagsave sakin sa tuluyan Kong pagkawasak, nagpa ramdam sakin that I'm still worth it to be loved by somebody, ung nagtutuwid ng landas ko, I can't do this to him, coz I know what it feels to be cheated on, to be lied onto, to left hanging alone. I asked for forgiveness, he told me he can give it without even a second word, Pero ung trust daw, he's asking how can he be sure that next time di ko na gagawin sa kanya un. Kung gusto ko padin iChat si ex/first love magagawa ko pdin un kahit pa sabihin ko naibloblock ko na sya. He asked me if Mahal ko padaw ba. If OO hahayaan nya naman DW ako, he will set me free without bitterness, coz he wants me to be happy.😀 Inisip ko din un , baka nga awa LNG ung nararamdaman ko sa kanya  coz he's loving me so much. Pero Hindi eh, mas narealized ko na mas Mahal ko sya, mas minamahal pa. That night nabuo lahat ng katanungan ko. Siguro nga nagduda ako kung there is still love for ex. Pero wala cguro part lang un ng pagbuo sa lahat ng sugat ko sa kanya. Honestly now I can say 100%, I don't love my ex/firstlove anymore. Yes I do believe that first love never dies, it simply changes the love you had for them. 💜 So from love as partner to love as a friend. Sometimes first love can hurt you deeply but then he can be a hero one day in your life. I asked permission to my Mahal if I can still talked to my ex regarding the surprise for my mom thing, and he supported me a lot. I tried looking for options, but no I don't have time anymore to look for any other person to do it. I think about getting involve my sibblings but they're all busy with work, some friends but its too far from the area, sya na talaga ang tinadhana. Haha. Sobra naman tlga ako nagpapasalamat Kay ex, di man nya sakin nagawa ang effort na ganito, nagawa naman nya para sa mama ko. Credits to my ex/firstlove:

And its a success! My mom got surprised 🙌💕🎊🎈✌🎂🎁😄 thank you ex/firstlove. Hero for a day! This will never worked out without you. Godbless you 😇 Now I can say panahon talaga ang kaylangan para maka get over sa lahat ng pain ko from you. And now, I feel the whole process is over.


So now I clearly make sure that my current bf feels that he's the love of my love now. Yes, trust, its so had to build and yet it can easily be gone in just a snap of the finger. I'm doubling my efforts for my Mahal now. All I wanna do is to love him uncoditionally  💜 regardless of our differences, even he's not the most handsome, sexiest, hot, richest guy in town. I'm falling in love with his soul which I know makes me more closer to heavenly things and not just earthly things. 💕💕💕

Looking for forward to put more blog post soon 😀😀😀😀

Aikatz

Love has no boundaries 💝💝💝

Hi there. How are you? I made this blog entry to tell how much love change my own beliefs and opinions in life. Katulad mo, never ever ko din naisip mainlove sa foreigner. Uo, napaguusapan paminsan, but its not like Im gonna do it someday. Until I met him.

It all started when I finally decided to go here in Bahrain. Malayo at ibang iba sa Pinas, but I never force myself to easily fall inlove with somebody. Since Im still broken hearted by that time from my first love. Loving was least of my priorities. But I guess, ganun naman talaga un, pag di mo ineexpect dun sya dumadating. He is my workmate. It started as good friends. Some point, I admire him. He is one of those people who trained me, since Im new. He is so kind and not the bossy type. He lets me know everything that I should learn including the standards ng hotel. We used to talk casual until he calls me on the phone. One day he showed me my solo pic and his in one love collage. Hahahaha. That sure thing made me laugh and made me think he is crazy. I dont know why but he really got my attention since then. Then, he asked me what does "mahal" means coz ate Lucille (pinay workmate) always calls everybody with that. When he found out the meaning he always calls me that way too. Everynight we used to chat on viber, I was a bit turned off coz most of the grammar or spelling is wrong. There is really something different bout him that mades me feel not to ignore or taken for granted him. Until I just woke up one morning realizing how important he is on me. Maybe because hes always there when I need somebody to talk to. He can listen to me whatever drama I had. Specially those days coz Im still adjusting to the environment here. He always tells how much he loves me, how Im starting to change his life, he even told me that Im his first love, specially when talking on the phone. He never force me to love him just as he loves me, he knows exactly what happened on my past relationship and hes willing to wait. Until.....
Oct. 07, 2015
I dont know whats sooooo special that day aside from thinking bout him. I just dont know. I decided to write a letter for him, sinulat ko lang lahat ng nasa puso ko and I ended up saying yes to him. That same day I gave him the letter. I kept asking him if he already read the letter, but always says not yet. When he got home, he called me, feeling sooo surprised and excited. And soooo were officially together. We kept it to everybody coz we dont want those unwanted issues. It wasnt never easy. And from then mas marami pa palang susubok sakin, samin.

First date
We finally decided to go on a date. I never felt scared at all. I trust him fully. Except the fact na mejo ayyy I mean super na turned off ako that night. He fetch me 3 blocks from my home. Since baka nga daw may makakita samin na kawork at maissue. He doesnt like gossips and rumors thats why he can never send and fetch me door to door. We crossed the street without even looking after me, as in kanya kanya. I was like?? "Hello, gf mo ko, baka gusto mo ko alalayan sa pagtawid" but I just made dedma rather than telling. Another thing is that I can smell him slightly B.O. and strong perfume (major turned off) and the most kagimbal gimbal issue is that he confess to me that he cannot write and read english. And I was like.... seriously?????????!!!!!!!!!!! We promised to each other that we will not lie and soo he confess it to me as early as then. I told him I cant love him anymore. Whats on my mind that night is what other people will say if I go with this kind of man, who doent even know how to read and write. Nobody will allow me to get into this relationship. I asked him what does he want from me, I even told him that maybe hes just after sex. My heart really melted when he told me he loves me. He simply want to love me with all of his heart. That even if I dumped him that same night he would still look after me, still care and love me. He can prove to me that his intension for me is good.

This was our very first picture together. 

Even if there is some doubts on my mind,I keep getting to know him more. And as the days go by. I can really feel that he really loves me. I can tell him everything to him without even judging me. He let me feel like hes my bestfriend, my protector, my adviser. 

First time I saw him crying

I kept asking myself how did I got into this situation. Why did I choose to love this guy. Is love just enough?? Days, months passedby. Im really falling inlove with him. Ung feeling na my day is not enough pag di ko sya nakausap. At first inisip ko feeling ko lng siguro, coz he spoils me alot. Pero hindi eh. There is really love. Pero as what they`ve said, there is no perfect love. Meron at meron kayong magiging conflict. At di madali. 

Love is a sacrifice. 

Nung una, di ko naisip na madami kameng pagkakaiba. Ang alam ko lang is muslim sya, catholic ako. But I always ended up telling to myself that atleast we both believe in God. Thats what matters. But then, dumadating talaga sa point na lalabas at lalabas ung pagkakaiba nyo.

 *First he told me that I should never wear shorts or skirts or anything that shows my skin, specially my legs. 

>okay. I can. No problem.

 * I should never shout or talk loud or laugh loud in public places. 

>oh well, this is sooo me. But I can. No problem.

* I should not talk to the boys much. Not even going out.

>this sounds OA, but Im controlling. I can still.

*I should deacctive my fb account

>it took as a bit discussion but both ageed that I will just minimized upload pictures instead of deactivating. Okay. I can. 

 *Whats his decision is both our decision. 

>oopps this is too much. this time it got into my nerves. There is one incident that we go out, we already planned that we will try some local foods( kabab) and sheesha. He really wont allow me to have sheesha but since makulit ako, I keep insisting until I convinced him that it would be the first and last. After eating, we passedby to the kubos store. Id love eating that and so we stopped and bought some. As soon as we got the kubos, we need to keep walking since pagabe na nga. I told him I want to eat while walking. He wont allow me coz masama daw ang kumakaen habang naglalkad. But I dont want, I told him mas masarap kaini un pagmainit. But hes not listening to me. Until he told me were not going to the have sheesha. I really got angry, since sabe ko nga it was planned already tas magdedecision sya na wag nalang. What is this. That time I felt like im a robot. That he will dictate me all the things thati should do and not. We really had a huge fight that time. Althought it was jus me whos really making it big deal. Kahit anong suyo nya skin that time inis talaga ako. Dun ki naisip na tama ba na pinasok ko tong relationship na to. Coz Im starting to feel that it was not me anymore. Andami na nyang binabago skin. I broke up with him that time. I even told him to walk away from me, but he didnt. He even send me home. Then as I told him stop following me, I saw his eyes crying. That time naguilt namam ako and shocked. Coz di ako makapaniwala that he is crying infront of me. Dun ko narealized na iba sya. Hinding hindi ko makakalimutan ung gabeng un. 

Shall continue.............

First day in Bahrain

Hi. Finally Im here in Bahrain na. Thank God. Well, first time ko din sumakay ng plane. How's the experience? At first I was amazed coz the fact na nasa ere ako at naisip ko ang galing ng pilot to manuever the whole craft, but as soon as nakita kong palayo na ko sa Pinas, somehow it made me feel sad. While in the air, mas naisip ko na mas magaling pdin si God, coz nakita ko ung creation nya from above, ang ganda, kitang kita ko ung mga island, ung bodies of water, kahit gabe sya I totally appreciate it. Around 8hrs ung byahe namin from Manila to Abu dhabi.

That was my batchmates. Iba iba kme ng positions at ng hotel assignments, were all 19. Tired and puyat but sure thing were all excited :)

We waited for 3hrs for our flight to Bahrain. Abu dhabi's airport is good. Spacious and they have a free wifi, so we didnt felt much boredom waiting for our flight. After 1 1/2 hrs, fibally we reached Bahrain and headed to our accomodations. I never knew that it was hot outside, it was my first time to feel that. This is what my accomodation looks like:

And these are the views from the terrice:

Shall continue this later...

My Plan VS. God's Plan

Aug. 16, 2015
Hi there. Kamusta? As I promise, I'll be back to write more posts. :)
Well, Im here to tell my personal experiences on how did God changed my life. I know, for others it may sound strange and OA, but this is just my own sharings and realizations that Ive never seen before. In the end, its up to you what you want to believe in. My main purpose is to inspire others :) Keep the Faith!

I grew up believing that there is God, Im a Roman Catholic. I rarely go to church and prays when needed. Iam not a religious type. I have a strong personality. I do plan things ahead of time. Para sakin, Lahat ng bagay pinaplano, coz Im afraid to commit mistakes. I have my own rules, my path, my goals at un lang ang mahalaga sakin. that was me 5 years ago. Tiwala ako na with that attitude, I know Im on the right track although I did always ask for His guidance. My top goal is to work on a cruiseship! as in. To go to Europe!that was everything to me. Ung feeling na nabubuhay lang ako just to fulfill that. sounds OA but its true. (refer on my other blogposts). Sabe nga nila, theres no elevator to succes, you have to take the stairs, and so I did. After graduating a vocational course, I start looking for experiences, at dahil ayun ang requirement para makaapply sa cruise. From Marie France to Makati Shangrila. I feel more confident those times, kasi naachieve ko ung path na gusto ko at the same time, sobra akong nageenjoy sa life ko. Mas lalo ako naniniwala na pag gusto mo makukuha mo. Until I fell inlove, sobrang nilabanan ko sya at first, coz according to my rules, bawal ako mainlove at magcommit, coz makakasira un sa goal ko. But it did happened, at sobrang nawala ako sa sarili. I got totally lost. But dahil nga nagmamatapang ako, ayun, pinilit kong bumangon ON MY OWN. Nabasa ko ung mga past blog entries ko dito sa blogsite ko tas naalala ko ung goal ko, and so back to business. Dun ko lng din narealized that I was working with Shang for two years na, and so I started applying for my goal, cruise. Until he(my ex) came back again to me, I kept on forgiving him, over and over again even if he does the same mistakes. Mahal ko sya sobra at mahal ko din pangarap ko. Di din naman ako nabigo nun, coz I finally got a YES to jebsen, finally! and had him still(kahit sobrang gulo ng status namin). Mas super umapaw ung confidence ko nun, feeling ko okay na ko. I didnt continue my contract at shang since tiwala ako na makakaalis na ko soon. I start taking the trainings and requirements needed. Nung time na yon, masaya ako coz after 5years, finally I saw my plans coming into reality. I dont have any idea na it was just the beginning of a total reconstruction of my life......

Days, weeks and months passby, the moment of truth. I compiled all the requirements needed, just when Jebsen told us na mapepending kame, they do not know kung kelan pa kame makakaalis and worst is that they were telling us to try applying to the other shipping agencies. That time, gumuho ung mundo ko. Then he(my ex) starts telling me that hes courting a girl. + Im having several fights with my siblings + I got no job, so it means no money + I got fewer friends(di ko din alam bkit) basta everything in just a snap parang nawala sakin. As in. Feeling ko luging lugi ako. I was down with nothing. I dont know what to do. I start being depress. Minsan naiisip ko nun, whats the sense of life nga ba? Kung maachieve ko o hindi ung dreams ko whats next? Im starting to question my purpose, even my worth. I start questioning myself kung bakit nangyayare these such things. I know this sounds weird, but one night I dreamed of me and my family, its judgement day. I was really worried, I ask my mom, "Ma, end of the world na". The skies are low with starts tas may mga balls of fire na bumabagsak, theres flood outside our house, I am soo worried, ung di tlga ako mapakali, then theres this big wall, super big wall sya, tas andaming taong gustong makarating dun sa kabilang part. While in the middle of panicking may manong sa likod ko kinalabit ako, saying this: "bat ka nagpapanic? Diba ito na un hinihintay natin, Dahil ba marami kang kinakatakot dahil sa mga ginawa mo? Dapat magtiwala lang tayo, di tayo papabayaan ng Diyos." then the manong leave. I saw myself just standing realizing the things Ive done here on earth. I got curious why I dreamed of that. Eto na ba ung sign ni God for me to call onto Him? I start praying paginaatake ako ng anxiety, it works until nagsa-Sunday mass na ko, nung time na yon laging sakto sakin ung sermon ng pari. The first time I attended, ung issue is about family, that time sobrang may struggle sa family ko especially with me and my younger bro, then I almost cried dun sa mass, di ko din maexplain why, pero siguro ayon ung sinasabe nilang tagos sa puso na emotion, ung touched by God tlga :) Then un na nga, habits, mejo binago ko,less social networks, mejo workout, mejo ayos ng bahay. For a while effective sya, mejo nawawala na ung anxiety ko. But totoo din ung sinasabe nilang habang pinipili mong lumapit sa Kanya(God) tska ka naman mas lalong sinusubok, ginagamit ung mga tao sa paligid mo, dun ko mas lalong inisip at nagsimulang isabuhay ung words of wisdom ni God. Until that night, June 4, 2015. I watched that episode of 700 club asia, sobrang nakarelate ako sa issue nila that night, I was crying coz I felt that that episode was specially made for me, Mr. Peter Kairuz said "Kung di muna kaya, isuko mo kay God, coz you are not alone, alam ni God kung gano mo kinaya at dinala lahat, now its time for you to give it up to Him". And thats what I did, I did it with all my heart. The next morning, di ko akalain na may answer agad. Ang bilis.(refer to the previous blog). In the span of 2months, eto na ko. Paalis na. Dahil sa pagsuko ko ng lahat sa kanya, He gave me new path, new goal, new life. Pero just two weeks ago, Kung kelan settle na lahat. Jebsen called me, Alis na sana ako ng Sept. 12 + Pax cabin (cabin stewardess) ung position + all my papers sobrang ready to pass na, medical nalng kulang ko which is sagot pa ng company. Nung una, nanlumo ako, bumalik ung mga frustations ko, kasi that is my plan right? Di ko rin alam kung bakit, pero the way I talk to Ms. Aileen(fleet manager) Im sure that Im letting go that offer, I told here comitted na ko, ng walang pagaalinlangan. Naisip ko, maybe God is just testing me, kung ipagpapalit ko pa ba tong new path na binigay nya skin para sa luma kong pinakapinapangarap. I let go of my own plans, kung dati sobra ako magplano, ngayon NO, im not. Yes may mga plans pero di nakatulad nung dati na parang may blinders ako na focus lng sa goal, at pansariling kagustuhan lang. Now, Im more looking forward sa mga purposes ni God para sakin. May may mga tao na kong inienvolve sa plans ko, like my family, especially my parents, pati sa ibang tao, I want to help people. I want to know God more. Kung di dahil kay God, Im sooo nothing na ngayon, maaaring magtagumpay ako sa pagkamit ng mga pangarap ko nun pero I would still feel the emptiness, walang point ang life ko dati dahil punong puno ng makamundong bagay lang.

Andaming realizations sa life ko, every detail na pangyayari my dahilan si God. Sobrang walang wala ung plans ko compare to His, ngayon ko lang nadiscover nung hinayaan kong sya ang magdala sa life ko :) Just by trusting Him, pinapakita Nya sakin which path to go. I know its just the beginning nanman pagpunta ko sa Bahrain, but Im less worried coz I know anjan lang Sya for me, that feeling of security, hinding hindi matutumbasan ng kahit magkano un. Andami nagsasabe sakin, mahirap dun, ang liit lang ng sweldo, hindi ko kakayanin malamang, icancel ko na daw at ipush ung sa jebsen pero no I wont mind that all, Hindi lahat tungkol sa pera at sasabihin ng tao sakin. I trust God, may dahilan bat ako sa Bahrain mapupunta, at un ang aalamin ko. :)

For God, making mistake is not the issue, Ive learned that as human being its okay to make mistakes, but the thing is natuto ba tayo? Pinagsisihan ba natin? For as long as we dont learn the lesson, paulet ulet ulet ulet ulet ulet ulet nating kayang magawa un hanggang sa kasanayan na at mahirapan ng baguhin. But its never too late, help yourself. Trust Him and hold on. :)

God is love. God loves us unconditionally. Kaya dapat when we do love, wag tayong magbase sa kung ano lang ang kaya nyang ibigay na love, Love because you love, expect nothing in return. Para walang regrets. For love causes us to do specific acts of kindness, not just feel sympathetic. Love is not an emotion. Love is not a feeling. Love is an action. :)

Walking by Faith and not by sight. No matter how disastrous you think your life might be, Never ever think that its too late. Believe in His strength, madalas pag in the middle of crisis ka un na pala ung greatest calling mo. He can turn that in to something kaya Trust him fully.

I do believe in the goodness ng mga tao. Kahit kriminal pa yan, manloloko, sinungaling, basta naniniwala ako na may kabutihan pa sa puso ng bawat tao, siguro di lang natin makita kung minsan kasi nababalutan ng evil, pero anjan at anjan padin ya :)

I Love You Lord! I know anjan ang mga struggles at I will never ask for a problem free life, but I know that with your strength makakaya ko lahat :)

July 7,2015 3:23am

Whats on my mind and Whats on my heart. ❤

Hey! Its been awhile since the last wrote. Uhm. As you can see its 3am in the morning and Im sooo wide awake. Bakit nga ba?! Definitely I cant sleep. Nope actually I am about to sleep then naisip kong magblog. When I opened my blogsite, nagthrowback reading nanman ako then suddenly I felt my tears falling down, I am soo surprise to know that until now, there is still pain in me,I thought Ive moved on. Well, practically I am. I am so okay na today( no halong biro or etchos!). But as I read those stories again, for some reason naramdaman ko nanman that pain, I thought I got to overcome this na, since moved on na nga ku dba. Maybe there are things in life lang tlga na hinding hindi na dapat balikan. Hay! Bat ba kxe makulit ako. Why Im such a wonderer much, but to be honest, wala na ung bitterness of the past, no more those "cge pakatanga kpa aiah" stage. What am I talking about nanman ba?! Parang walang sense nu?! Or meron akong gustong ipoint out but I just cant express it. Basta un na un. Hehe

What's on my mind.
Well, anu nga ba?! Uhm uhm when will I leave kaya?! I mean the exact date. San ako pupunta? Bahrain,contract for two years, will be working on a hotel. Last year, or last last year, or even last 2,3,4 or 5 years ago, I never ever dream of working landbase, on middle east and for that 2long years. Its a big big as in major big no. But why Im settling for this now??? Ewan ko ba! Hehe di joke :). Well, such a long story. It was last June 4 of this year when I surrendered everything on Him (LordGod) I was in the middle of nowhere, no job, no money, had a bad relationship with my fam(sort of fights) uhm few friends, devastated from an unexpected change of plan(jebsen, di pa kame makakaalis coz still waiting for the need of the company) basta I felt really empty that time. The next day, it was a surprise. The only money left on my hand was 200+ php. I have to go to Tesda to file my cav, Heading to the office one of ex workmate texted me that they'll be going to Manila for some sort of job hunting(shipping agencies). Having a dilemma of coming with them or not, I told myself "Since 200+ php nlng ang money ko, I have to pay 140php sa Tesda for my cav, I will not go with them and go home instead, but God really made a way, surprisingly, the cashier just ask me to pay 30php and pay 100php on the DFA when my papers are ready to release. Indeed it was Gods plan, naisip ko kaya after that I headed to Manila and meet my colleagues. We went to Service On-line,an agency known by princess( my colleague) she told me that there is hiring for hotel jobs in Canada there, so we give it a shot.
Theres no open for Canada but instead for Bahrain only, this Elite Group from Manama Bahrain with chains of hotels there is currently in need of hoteliers and we were asked to go back there on Monday for the employers interview, I was not interested that time,since sabe ko nga I dont want that work, its out of my plan. But since I had two days to think about it. I did research all about bahrain, that elite hotels there and all of a sudden I accepted it, I wanted it and I love to be there,it just happened naturally. That Monday, it was the last day for the employers to do the interview and luckily I passed it. I come think na baka ito na nga un, eto na siguro ung para sakin. That it was all part of Gods plan for me. Wala akong bigat na nararamdaman the whole time na naginterview ako upto now na Im done with my medical and now processing my visa na,its all smooth sailing. From that span of a month nagkaroon ulet ng path ung life ko and nabawi lahat just because I surrendered eveything sa Kanya. Iba tlga pag may trust sa Kanya. Thank you Lord! :) Looking forward for your next plans for me. :)

What's on my heart....
Hehe. Ayiiiiee. Anu nga ba nasa puso ko. Oh baka naman sino. Heheheheh.
Well, sya padin?? Hehe uo. Syang sya. I wonder bat ganun. Lahat ng pwedeng gawin Ive done na just to forget him, d na naman ako like before na katangahan overload, nakamove on na ko sa paghope na meron p kameng chance, pero from a far I still do love him, ung gusto ku okay lng sya ke magkajowa man sya o wala. Basta ang kulet, hehe then sometimes, love is unfair. There is this one guy na nameet ko through common friends. He told me he likes me, wants to know me more, in short shows interest on me. But when I try to open myself for him,I just cant. Hes nice, kind, super gentleman in words and deeds but I dont feel anything for him. Then, khit I have told him that I had this epic fail relationship before, he just keep saying that it didnt bothers him and hes willing to help me get through with it. Dba. Bat ayoko tlga. And khit sino pang guy now ang makilala ku, I just cant feel that feeling of being excited or what, uhm mutual feeling for them. Maybe really time will tell, when will I ever fall inlove with someone again. That day when I dont love him anymore. That time that finally I can say that I cn let go of him,in my heart. I love you Rob, over and over but  this time, Im loving you from afar coz Im not gonna use my heart but instead I'll trust God. Nothing more,nothing less. ☝👌🙏💕
Isa pa, I'll explore pa the world sooo okay ng di muna dumating si Mr. Right. :)



Aikatz

3:45 am and Im wide awake. :0

Well, I cant sleep, as usual, thats why Im writing/typing, Just like what am I 2 years ago, puzzled and a bit curios whats gonna happen on me next, I mean, after shang. Ung feeling na eto na un eh, isang step nalang, and Im on what Ive been working on for 5 years, to be on a cruiseship. I know I work so hard just to make it happened, step by step. When I took that course(SRC-steward) last 2009, I never thought that I really do want to work on a cruise. But as what Ive said, God has plans and purpose why did I had to go though everything. Kaya all I have to do is just believe and trust Him, fully. Nasa final stage na, ngaun pba ako aatras?. hehe. Bout my life? Well, I can say that its not a 100% good, but atleast Im not giving up right? Totoo pla tlga that when you get older, mas nagiging serious na lahat, ung mga tao sa paligid mo eh panglong term na, Hay, non sense nanman ba ku? Let it be,ung feeling na may gusto aku iexpress but I cant elaborate it, hahhaha. Basta one thing is for sure, I still and always trust God no matter what happen. Un lang ang iisipin ku lagi.

Bout Rob.
haha. cge tawa, as what Ive said last december, last entry na un, well I guess not. You may think Im too much, pero ganun tlga eh. Ayoko magpakasinungaling sa sarili ko, that's what I feel eh, sana nga its all in my mind lang, but its not. Ayoko na magbigay ng taning sa self ku kung hanggang kelan, Let it be, as much that I want to. No worries, we were not together. He is courting his ex in Bicol na, By the way, he left Manila na, and stay there for good, while waiting for him to be assigned as a policeman. He left last Feb. 03, 2015. Well, I did felf bad, coz I would miss him much, and the chances of seeing him will be much more impossible now. But at the same time, happy coz I got a chance na makita pa sya before he left, he even helped me when I needed to, last Jan. 20 for my papers, I never expect it, na sya pa makakatulong sakin that day, and was willing to make efforts. We also watched "taken 3" after a week, that was the last time I saw him. I know, wala na akong ineexpect sa kanya, o samin, I love him, and no matter how much I prove it, it wont work, I understand na, I still have dreams to be achieved, goals to pursue, and so he was, ewan ko kung anong plans nya with his life now, we may cross different roads, atleast were okay, ayokong habang buhay itanim lahat ng galit ku sa knya coz it wont help me grow. Alam ku, sobra at higit na higit na sakit ang inabot ku sa kanya, and we cant change what he had done, pero I think ung forgiveness and acceptance ang unang makkapagpalaya sakin, he made me stronger, all the lessons na natutunan ku helped me alot to become a better me. Do I love him? yes i do, I really do, I can forgive him over and over again until he gets tired of fooling me and realize that I deserve his love, but thats not the case now, I have to think the people around me, my family, friends na binigo nya, sila naman ung bibigyan ku ng halaga this time, If he can still make them feel that hes worth it for me. But I know it wont happen, ever. Hay Rob, mahal kita, pero I trust God's will, Pinapasakanya ku na lahat, I know your a good person, I wont be inlove with you if your not. I know my deep pain ka lang sa heart mu, but I believe mabait ka, there is goodness in you. I love you. Sana maging happy ka always. firsttrue love ko :)



Sleepy head finally 4:11 am Goodmorning Easter Sunday! Good days are coming! thankyou LordGod <3


aikatzzzzzzz

Im writing this entry on the 2oth of December year 2014. Iam soo sad coz of the same situation. Over and over again. Why did I have to love him as much as this? I know it was all my fault. I allow him to do this all. Pagdumadating ako sa point na okay na ako, then lalapit ulet sya, I always accepts him. Major tanga right? Hay!Sana sana sana talaga this would be the last entry for him. Ill try my very best to delete him in my life.


That church was @ Angeles PAMPANGA. I forgot the exact name ng church. Taken last June or July 2014, Buong akala  ku this was  the last time na magsisimba  kame  together.

This photo was  taken  last March  2014 Nung nagsimba kame sa Antipolo and he gave me that bracelet from Boracay. Sabe ku never ku tatanggalin yan in my hands but I broke the promise.

Last time ko pumunta on his boarding house in PAMPANGA. 

Last time magkita was last Dec. 07 2014. 

I want to elaborate everything but the keyboard is not working properly. Basta. I totally hope soo that this would  be the last. I want a new life without this guy that made my life miserable. I know God has His purposes why it all happened. The only thing I can do is to trust His will. :)

Tomorrow, will be going toSamar for holiday vacation. When I get backhere inManila there willbe changes in my life, changes that can help me start a new beginning for me..

To Rob:

You broke my heart a hundred times, kahit sabihan panila na angtanga  tanga ku, Istill fight foryou, coz I love you.  Pero tong ginawa mu sakin, I know dadating din ung  panahon na Ill get over you. Thank you for making me stronger. 

09-15-14 11:21pm
Update update din pag may time :)

Well, hi there. Its getting late. My sched tom is 6am hay! I need to sleep na, and all of a sudden I cant fall asleep, why oh why?! Sooo, what to talk to? uhm......
Lets just start with my career..
Its doing really good but most of the time I get used with it. It comes to the point that I dont want to go work, tinatamad na ku ng malala.Ung feeling na paulet ulet nlng lahat. I want a new thing, new world. I know it takes lots of effort to achieve it. Right now, Im supah thinking how to start a new career. Dati mas gusto ku na maglandbase coz I wanna be out of the Philippines for a couple of years, coz of what happened(i mean Rob issues) Ung mga times that Im sooo sooo bitter pa! haha. But then again I come think of what I really want before the issue happened. That time ang main target lng ng life ko is to be on a cruiseship, and thats what Im going to do. After October 31, 2014 Ill be starting to pursue that. SWEAR! Ive got the lists of the shipping lines that I must try. hehehe #faith nga dba?! You'll probably asking why I had that particular date? Coz that is the exact 2years of working on shangri-la :) Akalain mu un? I survived for that loooooong. Theres no such thing for God and for yourself if u want something :) Ayyy, today is the start of our housekeeping week, and it was my off today. So unfortunately I wasnt able to see the opening. Well, they schedule different programs for the whole week, but what am I waiting for is the event on Friday(I think so!) coz they'll be throwing us a cocktail party, plus, my colleagues are going to perform some intermission number. hahaha. isnt it so fun?? dont worry I'll document it and state it here after a few weeks. :)

bout fambam :)
Well, its all good, honestly not so good, there were stil some unfinished issues with us, but I know we love each other. I like being with them everyday. Living with them is soo sooo much a blessing for me, not everybody have to live with their own families, like some of my colleagues, they used to live on their own, sometimes its good coz they have their own time, living independent, but me, id rather stay with them as much as I can do, coz someday, It'll be not like this anymore, right? when I have to leave. :) I spent my wholeday today with them. And it really feels soooo gooooooood. Thank you Lord God :)
Next time I'll share some videos with my lil sis and niece. I havent save it yet on my laptop, Next time na eefort sarap na ng higa ku eh. hehehe


bout Rob....
Ehem. well, still the same stat we had. Next month will be his 5th attempt na ata on taking the board exams. well, told him not to give up and try and try until he succeed. I dont know whats in his mind, but whatever it is, Im supporting him 101%, I know he has his own plans in his life. Still love him, yea I still. But what we are now, is I think the best sat we can ever have right now. He already changed his phone # since Liz started txting him again, Then, a couple of days ago called me and says I am chatting with Cathy. At first I really got mad, Nasa isip ku nun, The more I keep myself away from them, the more they come closer. I dont have any idea how did it happened. I never disturbed that girl. Who is she?! After that, I didnt answer all of Rob's call. Then talked to him again after a couple of days. He apologized alot. After that incident, as much as possible I dont want to talk to him more until now. Just want to somehow give space for him to think and so do I. I just want him forget everything and focuson his exams. ayyy.. wanna put our video last time we had our gimmik happened last August 15, 2014 at giligans crossing, same restobar where we first had our gimmik(cuba pa ung name nya date)..

Soorry mejo haggard and wasted the both of us, but sure thing I had much fun that time. Grabe as in,after a month nagkita kame nyan. We talked about everything, and ung mga ibang sinabe nya first time nya bonggang shinare, I dunno really if he was just drank kaya nya nasabe un, but I can really feel that its from his heart. This crazy picture pa. hehehe

I know, were not gonna have a chance to stay together, I mean dadarating din ung time na hinding hindi na magkukrus ung landas namin, and so ang gusto ku lang to make memories, good memories with him, I loved this guy so much lalo na before, sobrang pagmamahal binigay ku sa kanya, and at the same time this guy hurt me alot, super alot, sobrang laki ng naging impact nya sa life ku I can totally say that, and ang gusto ku lng is to remember all the good things that we had, forget the bad ones, para din sa motivation ku to continue my life even without him. I know everything has a purpose on why it is happening, Basta I'll keep lang on trusting God. That's what matters the most :)

You know what Im sooo sooo much thankful right now, I couldnt ask for more, but to be just thankful, I trust myself, for I while I had lost everything, but now I can totally say that one by one, its all coming back to me. Love you Lord :)

sooo TOMORROW is another day, Ill just continue this later on but for now,I want to sleep na. :) 

aikatz     -SMILLING :)

Yow. Uhm today. I slept late last night and woke up feeling great, after how many days Im back to work, I missed doing my daily working routines Just when i saw a text mgs from Rob. Actually its six msgs. telling why did I told Liz about his son. Seriously, I was shocked. What was that? i never ever talked to that girl since the revelation days. I told Rob it wasnt me. but hetold me na I was just the one who knows bout it, thats why he's pointing me. From then, I immediately check my fb account and boom! I was right, Liz had left a long and sooooo strange msg on me telling she knows the truth already. Gotta! she's stalking my fb, and now my blogsite. Ive seen from the history of the people who views my account :) haha. And shes sooo indenial bout it. Honestly, I dont feel like doing this blog today. All that happened today made my day already. But I have to do this. (Ill write more in here right?)

Sooo un na nga, She dont stop from sending msg. At first, ayoko tlga patulan, kaxe in the first place kung wala na sya pakialam kay Rob, d nya dapat ginagawa to, and kung para naman sa clarification, why is she asking me bout the infos of the rumored son of Rob, sabe nya nakausap na nya c cathy, soo why kailangan pa nya ku isali. He humiliated me alot

Asan and defensive and desperate dun. she asked me a question, sinagot ku lng naman.Normal akung kausap nya. Siguro sobra lng ung galit nya, feeling nya pagalit ku din sinasabe lahat. Kung galit aku dat time sana may exclamation point dba.Isip din.
Pero pinalalagpasku lng padin sya un, sabe ku nga say what she wants to say, di ku sya aawatin dun, eh dinadamay na nya parents ku! the fuck! ibang isapan na un, Mess with me, fine. But mess with my family, duh ur dead. Binalaan ku pa sya ng maayos na wag nya idamay ang parents ku. Pero sinubukna nya ku lalo..

Kung di nya lng dinamay ung parents ku, kung nilawakan lang nya ung pagiisip nya, di na kame magbabatuhan ng masasakit na salita. I felt sorry din naman, kaxe nagpadala aku sa emotions ku, magulang ku na dinadamay nya eh. Kelan man di aku naniniwala na nakasalalay sa mga magulang kung anung kalalabasan ng kanilang anak, bakit may mga mabubuti namang magulang pero kriminal ang mga anak nila. at may mga krimnal na magulang na mabubuti ang anak nila.Para sakin nasa pagkatao mu yan,wala pdeng ibang sisihin kundi ang sarili mu kung anu ang mga kinahihinatnan ng buhay mu. At kung iniisip nya na ubod at sukdulan ang pagkasama ku, well. Pareho kaming wlang alam na pinagsabay kame ni Rob, Nung nalaman ku lahat ng truth, REVENGE lang ang naiisip ku that time.Ayoko maging masya si Rob that time,bulag aku sa lahat ng taong nasa paligid namin, basta ang gusto ku maghganti. Aminado at sobrang aminado aku dun, malaki ang kasalang nagawa ku nun. Pero kaya nga nagconfess aku sa kanya eh, dahil panahon na un para itama lahat ng mali. Ayoko sisisihin ang sarili ku habambuhay dahil lang sa pagkakamali kong un.Tama na ung nagsisi aku, gumawa aku ng paraan para mabago at ngayon tapos na yon, Im starting to life my life trying to change for a better person. And that's to show Rob na kahit anu man nangyari sa nakaraan, may chance pa sya, di pa huli lahat. Kaya aku di bumibitaw sa kanya, kase naisip ku aku ung way ni God for him to realize all of his wrong deeds. And sooo far, nakikita ku un sa kanya. Ung mas malapit kay God, nakikita kung gusto na din nya ayusin ung sarili nya. Nakikita ku ung progress nya. He listen worship songs in the morning. Malaking pagbabago un sa kanya, ikinagulat ku tlga. I still love him uo, but Im not assuming na kami as lovers, gaya nga ng sabe ku paulet ulet. I dont know whats gonna happen in the future. Ayoko, at hindi tama na ipagpatuloy namin ung relationship ngayon dahil di un ang tama. Lahat ng tao sa paligid ku at nya tutol samin. sobra. alam ku un. Ang gusto ku lang matulungan sya. Alam ku d din naman aku naging mabuting gf sa kanya. Pero sya masasabe ku na tumutulong skin pagmay problem aku, nagaadvice kumikilos, sobrang daming memories namin together na sobrang good and masaya. I never felt that kind of love from any other people Ive known. He undestands me alot, take cares for me alot. Sobrang iniintindi nya ku if I want something. That feeling, di mu masasabe na peke, coz I feel that the love was genuine. Nararamdaman kung may pinanghuhugutan sya sa mga pinagdaanan nya from his past. I still believe na may pag asa pa sya. Madami ng sumuko sa kanya, pero I wouldn't. Minahal ku sya, first true love pa nga eh. Ayoko matapos ang lahat sa bitterness. Madami syang itinuro at still tinuturo sakin sa buhay. Kung desperada akung maging kame sana tinanggap ku na ung proposal nya nung may 10, before his bday, sana may anak na kame ngaun, or sana magkasama na kame together sa iisang bahay ngaun. Ung ang desperate. but Im not,Id rather let things to happen on God's way. Magtiwala ka lang Liz, I know kung ganu kasakit ung nararamdaman mu ngayon, but it will heal eventually. Pag tinanggap mu sa sarili mu. Wala na kame magagawa ni Rob sa mga nangyari sa past. Wala rin kameng magagawa kung di mu kami mapapatawad.

Habang nasa bus aku pauwe, naisip ku eto nanman, magulo, same feeling a couple of months ago, pero dapat nga ba aku magpaapekto dahil sya paulet ulet bumabalik sa nakaraan? I guess not. Kaxe aku alam ku kung nasang part na ku, and sooo I change my mood into a good one. Baka this is just God's test how much Ive faith on Him that I have. And atsome point, nagpatalo nanman aku,coz lumevel aku sa galit na nararamdaman ni Liz, pumatol aku sa kanya, w/c I could avoided, If only she didn't involve my parents. hay! Cguro kulang pa ung tiwala, Ill push it more next time may mga gantong situations :)
I txted Rob, told him napatulan ku si Liz, We talked bout it and we had plans already. :) Sakin nlng muna un. I feel much better right now. :) That's y I love blogging. :)


got to go.Its getting late. I have work tomorrow :)

aikatz still fighting

Hi there. yes you :) Well, Im sooo much happy today. And totoo nga ung do what make you happy. It was my off today and yesterday. Yea, yesterday I went to Pampanga to see him, Rob. Are we together? For me were not, for sure sa kanya din not. I just dont want to make things complicated. He's my happiness right now, and I know there's nothing wrong with that. Di naman ako committed and so he was. I dont mean having relationship with him right now, or maybe in the future, kung un ang mangyayari nga, Ijust want to enjoy the circumstances that I'll be spending with him. (andaw?) Uhm then going back to the story, I went there yesterday morning and we cooked lumpiang shanghai. It was his request, I told him aku magluluto, but when I was there cooking na, di daw nya matiis not to help me. That's one thing I like bout him, di sya sanay ng aku lang kumikilos, kaya ung dapat specialty ku sana, aun naging bonding na namin together. It was good, really good. Spending a day with him is worth it. Nandun din sa bahay nya ung isang kaboardmate and workmate nya,I kept on teasing him na jowa nya un, hahaha he's sooo yamot. I always do that, tease that he's a gay. When I was about to go homw that afternoon, I was @victory terminal when the heavy rain suddenly poured. It was past 6pm, I wasn't able to meet the 6pm ride to pasay so I have to wait for the other bus. Being stuck on that situation is crazy.From then, I thought to myself that I'll never go home late. I guess I just missed Rob that I extend the hours of being with him, and so I had paid the prize. Rob wasn't able to take me to the terminal coz he has a work. So unfortunately, I wasnt able to go home last night. I went back to Rob's house and slept there, even when he's not there. haha. I had a hard time catching my sleep the whole night. Namamahay at the same time Ro'bs not there. Im not used to it. Early in the morning Rob arrived. Breakfast together,slept again and woke up @11:30 am. He asked kung gusto ku daw ihatid nya ku ah. wow. that's abig wow. sabe ku wag na! Di naman sya sanay maghatid hatid eh, he insisted. haha anu kaya nakaen nun. We went to nepo mall(hha weird ng name nu, mall un sa angeles.) may kinuha lng then headed to Dau. Hay! I dont know why, bat kaya ung mga particular place pagnapupunthan or nakikita mu again, you remember somethings that had happened there?! I remember nung sinabe nya na last na namin pagkikita un, ung street na nadaanan namin kanina. Nagflashback nanman skin ung past. I know I shouldnt mind it,I'll leave the past behind na dba... hmmm change topic. Then un na nga, he made hatid me sa terminal ng Dau. hahaha.Wanna share lng this pic of him, sabe ku picturan ku muna sya before he go, then video pala ung naclick ku.. hahha

Ang pogi nya sa shot na yan nu.. hahaha.. I still love that guy. I dont know until when or if I can forget him pa.Atleast now I realized not to force everything. If kame talaga then kame, If not then God has a plan for me. Basta sinabe ku naman sa kanya nung gumimik kame last time na after 3years, pagnapursue ku ndin ung career ku, hahanapin ku sya, pag single padin sya by that time di ku na sya papakawalan pa. That is 3years from now. hayyyyy! anu kaya mga mangyayari nun nu??? Its for me to find out.

Hay! off ku nanman ata ulet bukas. grabe. Wala nanman dutyness! haha. Got to go.

Basta faith lang everything happens for there are reasons behind it. God has plans for me :) Dream big! Make it happen :)

aikatz muaaaaaa

hmmmmmm.. last wrote was jan. 14 of this year! and Im doing this entry after 7mos. Lots and tons of things had happened already. Things I never thought could happen to me. I never pictured myself in those situations, but I guess its part of life. GETTING DOWN! supah down! As always I dunno how to start elaborating it.. uhm... Im writing this now coz I know Im much okay than I was this past few days? weeks? months? Basta Im not 100% good pa but Im almost getting there. Shall we start?!

Continuation from previous blog....
  I stopped comunicating with Rob, since ayaw na nga nya. When I said Im breaking up with him, I got no response, so i assumed that were officially done. I deleted all the contacts we have. A month later. I dunno but Im sooo curios bout his child, bout this girl named cathy(w/c was the mother of his child) I cant stop thinking bout how come it did happened. Dont have peace of mind at all. Feeling ku that time di pa ku kontento hanggat di ku alam ang tunay na pangyayari. And so, I searched this girl named cathy. All I know about her is her name "cathy" and Rob told me that she's living in Oas, Albay. THat's it, the 2 infos I have. I worked sooo hard just to find that girl. I searched on FB sooo hard just to find her, and gotcha, I found her. Now I know that there's no such thing as impossible if really want to know the truth!. I sawher account, Im 100% sure that it was her, the baby looks like Rob alot. I dont know what to react, I cried, ung kakaibang iyak, ung pati ung mga laman ku nagshashake, nanglalamya, basta! kakaibang feeling. I never got a chance to tell everything kay Rob since I deleted his #. I tried to msg the girl but I got no response. And I think the baby is not 2yrs of age. months old palang sya. Gosh! When I counted the mos when I start meeting Rob, Lumalabas na nabuntis na nya un  nung mga panahon na first time kame nagbreak. hay! That time bumalik lahat ng sakit! Lahat ng panghihinyang! Lahat! Im sooo depressed that time! But may mas bongga pa pala akung madidiscover. After 2weeks, I opened the account Ive created for Rob, I was about to deactive this account since sabe ku wala ng saysay to, I was looking for the deactive button when I clicked on the blocked list, I saw one name "Liz Bitancur". It surprised me alot. Iremember it was his ex girlfriend before me. I unblocked it and viewed the account. It totally made me shocked, that girl. they're still together according to the stats of this girl. That time, gumuho lalo ung mundo ku. Di pala ung anak nya ung reason nya why he neglected me, it was because of Liz. Gustong gusto ku na syang itext that time, ipaalam sa kanya na alam ku na secret nya. bistado na sya, pero I just cant. I deleted already his #. Sising sisi aku bat ku pa binura # nya, at bakit from the start di ku minemorized ung # nya, I tried to msg Liz, but also I got no response,nagassume ndin aku that she knows everything. but at the same time, inisip ku nlng that it was God's will narin, siguro this was the ending on us. I dont need to talk everything with him, na it just proves na enough na. this is the end! And so I start moving on.It was harder compare sa ibang break ups namin.ibang level na ung foundation ng relationship namin that time kxe. Mas intimate, mas may care at mas ramdam ku that he loves me that time, until the truth came out. I guess wala tlgang secret na di nabubunyag. Its was totally hard to move on. Ung feeling na ayaw mu na bumangon sa umaga and sa gabi you dont feel like your sleepy kahit pagod na pagod ka from work coz when I try to close my eyes naiisip ku lahat, lahat lahat. Totoo pala ung mga ganung eksena that I thought sa scenes lang ng movie or teleserye nangyayari. Hay! After a week, mas okayokay na ku, Im starting to live the way na di sya kasama, then he called me. I dont know but when i saw his #on my phone kinutuban ulet aku na that was him.I answered his call, we talked.I pretend na di ku alam ung bout sa kanila ni Liz, he said he misses me alot. I dont know why hes doing this, that time alam ku nadin that Liz is coming home for a vaction(she works in Dubai). But is he doing this.??? He wanna play?? That time my mindset is to make revenge. For all the pain he cause me. And I start making communications on him again. We used to txt and call everyday, I know that this was all for fun, I told myself that I cant love this guy after everything he has done me. REVENGE is the reason why Im doing this.We saw each otherI think a week before Liz came back here. We watched a movie, "starting over again". I was then indenial that time that Im over him. All the time he says he missed me alot, he wants to see me again before Liz came.(that time I told him I know everything bout Liz). Maybe sa sobrang revenge na nasa isip ku, ginawa ku ung bagay na di ku lubos akalain na magagawa ku. I slept with him, knowing the may gf sya and knowing that he fooled me alot. That time di ku manlang inisip ung mararamdaman ni Liz, and that was the biggest mistake that Ive ever done on her. I let it all happened beacuse of my revenge. Feeling ku that time I was a loser, major loser. Bitter much, ayoko magkahappy ending si Rob after what he had done to me. Itwas the worst feeling Ive ever had sooo far, ung feeling na magkatabi kame pero kausap nya sa phone si Liz, I tried to pretend that Im alright but Im not, dun ku narealized that Im still not over him, I still love him, I still cares for him, I dont wanna lose him. After that, sinira ku na ung sim ku. I stopped making communications with Rob since I found out that Im falling inlove with him again, ayoko maging kabet, kahit kelan di ku pinangarap na maging 2nd choice. But after 3 weeks, I had enough,Narealized ku na habang tumatagal na wala si Rob in my life, the more my life gets miserable. I dont wanna let him go no matter what it takes. And so I txted him. He called me immediately, asks why he wasn't able to contact me, what happened to me, he misses me. Im sooo confused that time. Why is he acting like that. Nung una kala ku kaya nya ku namimiss coz he miss having sex with me, but now his with his gf, why do he still misses me?? does he loves me?? sa tono ng boses nya that time, I can feel that there is something with him. We met again. Went to antipolo church. That time he hugs me much, I can really feel that he misses me, he missed hanging out with me. No sex, just spending a day with him, that moment he made me feel that he loves me. We never talked about our status,bout Liz,  bout the past, just enjoy that we had another chance to see each other again.  I cant believe that it happened. We continued our relationship regardless the fact that I know that hes committed with somebody else, since Liz came back to Dubai. I felt really sorry bout it, that time di ku sya naiisip, mas iniisip ku ung pagmamahal ku kay Rob. Summer came and we even set an out of town for the two of us, I can say it was one of the most happiest day I had. We went to Tagaytay. Spending a day with him is fun, We laugh, talk, fight and do enjoy everything together, as if Im soo not feeling tired the whole time.

Wanna put this pics of us here in my blog, delete in on my desktop. hihi.

After that vacation I can totally say that were back to what we used to be, like before. Ive accepted the fact that Im his #2, nung mga panahon na un all I wanted is to be with him as much as possible, kahit alam kung hanggang dun nalang kame Ive tried soo hard to make it last, coz I thought it would. :(. That time din kxe iniisip ku na ung career ku, gusto ku na magstart magapply abroad, but all of a sudden parang ayaw ku na, I want to be with him, Ive forgotten my dreams for him(sooo bad). Until dumadating na sa point na ayaw ku na kaxe ayoko ng ganung status. Dalawa kame, he always says that he would tell everything na to Liz but it never happened, pag naman sinasabe kung ayaw ku na, that Im letting him go, ayaw din nya, he doesnt want to lose me daw. Until his birthday came. May 11, we met May 10 in the evening and went gimik @padis cubao to celebrate his 25th bday. It was fun, I saw him enjoying the atmosphere, I was not in the mood to party that time, Im feeling sick and so we decided to cut off the party mode. Until that morning(his bday) we were together, We went to sm clark(that was my first time there, sorry no pic, Ive deleted it already.) We spent allday long together until, he was about to take me to the bus station(Im going back to Manila), told him I need to pee, and when I came out of the restroom I saw him looking onto his phone, I hide across him and saw the greetings of Liz for him, on fb, atsome point I felt bad, I get jealous, so hard. I ignore him until he took me to the bus station, I even cried, I dont know why,maybe coz I felt guilty at the same time, and also the feeling na dapat akin ka lng, but somebody owns you too. promise and pangit ng ganung feeling.That time, nagisip aku ng bonggang bongga. Is it really worth it to continue this? If yes, then he should let her go and be with me. He has to pick one. I confronted him, told him he if you choose Liz then were done but if he chooses me then he should broke up with Liz and be with me.He says he dont know. He cant decide that time, so told him that Im giving him 3moths to think bout it, we'll cut our communication so he can figure out, that was May that time so supposed to be we'll get back our communication by august, he said di nya kaya, he even told me na di nalang kame magkikita but we will not cut our communication, di aku pumayag. I told him, we need this. Pero after 4days lang ata, I give up, I called him already, nung mga time na un, I cant really affort to loose him na, as in, ramdam ku ibang level na pagmamahal ku sa kanya. We continued, after a week wala na, cant help it, I made it. I told Liz everything..... At first, di aku masyadong naging affected, ung emotions tolerable naman, kahit na nalaman ku that pinagsabay pala kame ni Rob. Parang manhid na manhid na ku that time. Accepted ku na na niloko ku ni Rob, and no matter what happen I'll accept him padin, parang gusto ku lang malegalized na na kame na, na para matapos na sila ni Liz. But Im definitely wrong, I almost thought of committing suicide, seriously. Ganun na pala kalalim ung depressions ku that time. I even said to Rob na magpakasal nalang kame, na hindi ku pdin sya igigive up, sobrang loka loka lang ampeg ku nun. kaloka!! Dumating pa sa point na tinawagan aku ni Liz, and dun aku naguilty ng bongga, dun nagsink in lahat sakin na ang sama sama ng ginawa ku. She never sound so angry with me when we talked thru fone. uo alam ku galit sakin un, sino ba naman d magagalit sa ginawa namain ni Rob, but he never shouted @me. we talked so calm and peaceful, eventhough may mga bitterness din, she ask me bout the watch Rob has given me, I denied, mas masasaktan lang sya kung iisa isahin ku lahat. They broke up, nung mga time na un may saya sakin, somehow wala na ku tinatago, atleast nasabe ku na. Rob told me na we should stop what we had too. Gusto daw nya ng time sa sarili nya, nung una hindi ku tinaggap as in, mukhang tanga nanman ang peg ku, I asked him do he still want me to exist in his life, he said no. Ang sakit, tinaggap ku un. Im trying to contact him but he had changed his #. I got no choice. Until one day he texted me again, di daw nya kaya. I still accepted Rob, we continued what we have until we had fight again, just because I tag him sa pic naming dalawa, and his sisters reacted much about it, nega comments daw. I felt bad bout it. Sabe nya lets just stop this kaxe naggagaguhan nlng daw kame. He ever said na "wala daw syang naramdamang pagmamahal sakin". For the nth time he broke my heart! Di ku alam kung sadyang sunga sunga lang ba tlga ku oh ginagayuma na ku nitong lalaking to e. That time sinumbat ku sa kanya lahat lahat, as in lahat. He never fight back and made me calm, pero wala galit lahat nangibabaw sakin that time. Inisip ku lahat ng sacrifices ko for him then he'll just say that. paulet ulet na nagfaflashback sakin ung mgs nya na un na walang pagmamahal daw. paulet ulet ku binabasa sa inbox ku. paulet ulet ung sakit na nararamdaman ku, lahat. it hurts to the bones. Nung time na un, di ku na alam panu bumangon, lalo pa nun coz Im delayed. That time di ku na alam gagawin ku,Im sooo lutang lagi. Di aku makafocus on my work and on everything. Inisip ku mga mangyayari kung buntis aku, panu na? panu na parents ku? panu na pangarap ku? panu ku sasabihin sa kanilang lahat? panu ku sasabihin kay Rob? anu magiging reaction nya? Inisip ku magiging buhay namin. Ayoko. Di pa ngaun. Thank God it was just delayed. From that moment natauhan aku. Bakit nga ba nangyayari lahat to??? Un ung unang naging tanong ku. Everything happens for there are reasons behind it. Di ku man agad nalaman ung dahilan, madaming kagagahan muna ung dumating pero now I know why. Everything happened because of one thing. MATURITY! Now I can say that Im more maturer that I was before. Its hard to explain but I can feel it. Mas lumalawak na ung understading ku ngaun. And if you'll ask me if I wanted to undo all the things Ivedone, I would say no. It made me a better person now. Kung meron man akung pagsisihan tlga e un ung kay Liz, If I was braver enough to confess her a little faster, she wouldn't suffer much pain. I know until know she doesn't know bout Rob's baby. Gusto ku man sabihin, pero Im not the one na dapat magsabi sa kanya nun, si Rob lang may karapatang magsabe nun sa kanya.

    Bakit nga ba ku nasaktan ng bongga?? kasalanan ku din naman. Kasi umasa aku ng sobra. Lahat ng inisip ku at inistall ku sa mind ku e positive, di naman masama maging positive na tao, aun, expectation pala ang right term, nagexpect lang siguro aku ng too much, all my life napaligiran aku ng mga epic fail na relationship, sabe ku sa sarili kun un, hahanap aku ng perfect one. Kala ku kaxe dati it exist, ung mga perfect guy. hmm. right now?? Nung nahimasmasan naku sa pagkakasabe sskin ni rob na wala syang naramdamang pagmamahal, inisip ku do I still love him??. YES. I do, ewan ku ba anung meron sa lalaking un, bat ang laki laki ng impact sa buhay ku. dahil lang ba sya un first love ku, kung un nga dahilan siguro makakarecover din aku, it will take years siguro bago aku totally makamove on, pero ngaun, wala. diku maimagine makipagrelasyon sa kahit na sinong guy. I can forgive him now, kase mas iniisip kung walang matirang sama ng luob sa puso ku, kaxe ayokong paulet ulet balikan lahat ng mga nangyari sa past. I want to start again, I want to pursue again my dreams just like dati, ung career mindset aku. And i just still love him.