hmmmmmm.. last wrote was jan. 14 of this year! and Im doing this entry after 7mos. Lots and tons of things had happened already. Things I never thought could happen to me. I never pictured myself in those situations, but I guess its part of life. GETTING DOWN! supah down! As always I dunno how to start elaborating it.. uhm... Im writing this now coz I know Im much okay than I was this past few days? weeks? months? Basta Im not 100% good pa but Im almost getting there. Shall we start?!
Continuation from previous blog....
I stopped comunicating with Rob, since ayaw na nga nya. When I said Im breaking up with him, I got no response, so i assumed that were officially done. I deleted all the contacts we have. A month later. I dunno but Im sooo curios bout his child, bout this girl named cathy(w/c was the mother of his child) I cant stop thinking bout how come it did happened. Dont have peace of mind at all. Feeling ku that time di pa ku kontento hanggat di ku alam ang tunay na pangyayari. And so, I searched this girl named cathy. All I know about her is her name "cathy" and Rob told me that she's living in Oas, Albay. THat's it, the 2 infos I have. I worked sooo hard just to find that girl. I searched on FB sooo hard just to find her, and gotcha, I found her. Now I know that there's no such thing as impossible if really want to know the truth!. I sawher account, Im 100% sure that it was her, the baby looks like Rob alot. I dont know what to react, I cried, ung kakaibang iyak, ung pati ung mga laman ku nagshashake, nanglalamya, basta! kakaibang feeling. I never got a chance to tell everything kay Rob since I deleted his #. I tried to msg the girl but I got no response. And I think the baby is not 2yrs of age. months old palang sya. Gosh! When I counted the mos when I start meeting Rob, Lumalabas na nabuntis na nya un nung mga panahon na first time kame nagbreak. hay! That time bumalik lahat ng sakit! Lahat ng panghihinyang! Lahat! Im sooo depressed that time! But may mas bongga pa pala akung madidiscover. After 2weeks, I opened the account Ive created for Rob, I was about to deactive this account since sabe ku wala ng saysay to, I was looking for the deactive button when I clicked on the blocked list, I saw one name "Liz Bitancur". It surprised me alot. Iremember it was his ex girlfriend before me. I unblocked it and viewed the account. It totally made me shocked, that girl. they're still together according to the stats of this girl. That time, gumuho lalo ung mundo ku. Di pala ung anak nya ung reason nya why he neglected me, it was because of Liz. Gustong gusto ku na syang itext that time, ipaalam sa kanya na alam ku na secret nya. bistado na sya, pero I just cant. I deleted already his #. Sising sisi aku bat ku pa binura # nya, at bakit from the start di ku minemorized ung # nya, I tried to msg Liz, but also I got no response,nagassume ndin aku that she knows everything. but at the same time, inisip ku nlng that it was God's will narin, siguro this was the ending on us. I dont need to talk everything with him, na it just proves na enough na. this is the end! And so I start moving on.It was harder compare sa ibang break ups namin.ibang level na ung foundation ng relationship namin that time kxe. Mas intimate, mas may care at mas ramdam ku that he loves me that time, until the truth came out. I guess wala tlgang secret na di nabubunyag. Its was totally hard to move on. Ung feeling na ayaw mu na bumangon sa umaga and sa gabi you dont feel like your sleepy kahit pagod na pagod ka from work coz when I try to close my eyes naiisip ku lahat, lahat lahat. Totoo pala ung mga ganung eksena that I thought sa scenes lang ng movie or teleserye nangyayari. Hay! After a week, mas okayokay na ku, Im starting to live the way na di sya kasama, then he called me. I dont know but when i saw his #on my phone kinutuban ulet aku na that was him.I answered his call, we talked.I pretend na di ku alam ung bout sa kanila ni Liz, he said he misses me alot. I dont know why hes doing this, that time alam ku nadin that Liz is coming home for a vaction(she works in Dubai). But is he doing this.??? He wanna play?? That time my mindset is to make revenge. For all the pain he cause me. And I start making communications on him again. We used to txt and call everyday, I know that this was all for fun, I told myself that I cant love this guy after everything he has done me. REVENGE is the reason why Im doing this.We saw each otherI think a week before Liz came back here. We watched a movie, "starting over again". I was then indenial that time that Im over him. All the time he says he missed me alot, he wants to see me again before Liz came.(that time I told him I know everything bout Liz). Maybe sa sobrang revenge na nasa isip ku, ginawa ku ung bagay na di ku lubos akalain na magagawa ku. I slept with him, knowing the may gf sya and knowing that he fooled me alot. That time di ku manlang inisip ung mararamdaman ni Liz, and that was the biggest mistake that Ive ever done on her. I let it all happened beacuse of my revenge. Feeling ku that time I was a loser, major loser. Bitter much, ayoko magkahappy ending si Rob after what he had done to me. Itwas the worst feeling Ive ever had sooo far, ung feeling na magkatabi kame pero kausap nya sa phone si Liz, I tried to pretend that Im alright but Im not, dun ku narealized that Im still not over him, I still love him, I still cares for him, I dont wanna lose him. After that, sinira ku na ung sim ku. I stopped making communications with Rob since I found out that Im falling inlove with him again, ayoko maging kabet, kahit kelan di ku pinangarap na maging 2nd choice. But after 3 weeks, I had enough,Narealized ku na habang tumatagal na wala si Rob in my life, the more my life gets miserable. I dont wanna let him go no matter what it takes. And so I txted him. He called me immediately, asks why he wasn't able to contact me, what happened to me, he misses me. Im sooo confused that time. Why is he acting like that. Nung una kala ku kaya nya ku namimiss coz he miss having sex with me, but now his with his gf, why do he still misses me?? does he loves me?? sa tono ng boses nya that time, I can feel that there is something with him. We met again. Went to antipolo church. That time he hugs me much, I can really feel that he misses me, he missed hanging out with me. No sex, just spending a day with him, that moment he made me feel that he loves me. We never talked about our status,bout Liz, bout the past, just enjoy that we had another chance to see each other again. I cant believe that it happened. We continued our relationship regardless the fact that I know that hes committed with somebody else, since Liz came back to Dubai. I felt really sorry bout it, that time di ku sya naiisip, mas iniisip ku ung pagmamahal ku kay Rob. Summer came and we even set an out of town for the two of us, I can say it was one of the most happiest day I had. We went to Tagaytay. Spending a day with him is fun, We laugh, talk, fight and do enjoy everything together, as if Im soo not feeling tired the whole time.
Wanna put this pics of us here in my blog, delete in on my desktop. hihi.
After that vacation I can totally say that were back to what we used to be, like before. Ive accepted the fact that Im his #2, nung mga panahon na un all I wanted is to be with him as much as possible, kahit alam kung hanggang dun nalang kame Ive tried soo hard to make it last, coz I thought it would. :(. That time din kxe iniisip ku na ung career ku, gusto ku na magstart magapply abroad, but all of a sudden parang ayaw ku na, I want to be with him, Ive forgotten my dreams for him(sooo bad). Until dumadating na sa point na ayaw ku na kaxe ayoko ng ganung status. Dalawa kame, he always says that he would tell everything na to Liz but it never happened, pag naman sinasabe kung ayaw ku na, that Im letting him go, ayaw din nya, he doesnt want to lose me daw. Until his birthday came. May 11, we met May 10 in the evening and went gimik @padis cubao to celebrate his 25th bday. It was fun, I saw him enjoying the atmosphere, I was not in the mood to party that time, Im feeling sick and so we decided to cut off the party mode. Until that morning(his bday) we were together, We went to sm clark(that was my first time there, sorry no pic, Ive deleted it already.) We spent allday long together until, he was about to take me to the bus station(Im going back to Manila), told him I need to pee, and when I came out of the restroom I saw him looking onto his phone, I hide across him and saw the greetings of Liz for him, on fb, atsome point I felt bad, I get jealous, so hard. I ignore him until he took me to the bus station, I even cried, I dont know why,maybe coz I felt guilty at the same time, and also the feeling na dapat akin ka lng, but somebody owns you too. promise and pangit ng ganung feeling.That time, nagisip aku ng bonggang bongga. Is it really worth it to continue this? If yes, then he should let her go and be with me. He has to pick one. I confronted him, told him he if you choose Liz then were done but if he chooses me then he should broke up with Liz and be with me.He says he dont know. He cant decide that time, so told him that Im giving him 3moths to think bout it, we'll cut our communication so he can figure out, that was May that time so supposed to be we'll get back our communication by august, he said di nya kaya, he even told me na di nalang kame magkikita but we will not cut our communication, di aku pumayag. I told him, we need this. Pero after 4days lang ata, I give up, I called him already, nung mga time na un, I cant really affort to loose him na, as in, ramdam ku ibang level na pagmamahal ku sa kanya. We continued, after a week wala na, cant help it, I made it. I told Liz everything..... At first, di aku masyadong naging affected, ung emotions tolerable naman, kahit na nalaman ku that pinagsabay pala kame ni Rob. Parang manhid na manhid na ku that time. Accepted ku na na niloko ku ni Rob, and no matter what happen I'll accept him padin, parang gusto ku lang malegalized na na kame na, na para matapos na sila ni Liz. But Im definitely wrong, I almost thought of committing suicide, seriously. Ganun na pala kalalim ung depressions ku that time. I even said to Rob na magpakasal nalang kame, na hindi ku pdin sya igigive up, sobrang loka loka lang ampeg ku nun. kaloka!! Dumating pa sa point na tinawagan aku ni Liz, and dun aku naguilty ng bongga, dun nagsink in lahat sakin na ang sama sama ng ginawa ku. She never sound so angry with me when we talked thru fone. uo alam ku galit sakin un, sino ba naman d magagalit sa ginawa namain ni Rob, but he never shouted @me. we talked so calm and peaceful, eventhough may mga bitterness din, she ask me bout the watch Rob has given me, I denied, mas masasaktan lang sya kung iisa isahin ku lahat. They broke up, nung mga time na un may saya sakin, somehow wala na ku tinatago, atleast nasabe ku na. Rob told me na we should stop what we had too. Gusto daw nya ng time sa sarili nya, nung una hindi ku tinaggap as in, mukhang tanga nanman ang peg ku, I asked him do he still want me to exist in his life, he said no. Ang sakit, tinaggap ku un. Im trying to contact him but he had changed his #. I got no choice. Until one day he texted me again, di daw nya kaya. I still accepted Rob, we continued what we have until we had fight again, just because I tag him sa pic naming dalawa, and his sisters reacted much about it, nega comments daw. I felt bad bout it. Sabe nya lets just stop this kaxe naggagaguhan nlng daw kame. He ever said na "wala daw syang naramdamang pagmamahal sakin". For the nth time he broke my heart! Di ku alam kung sadyang sunga sunga lang ba tlga ku oh ginagayuma na ku nitong lalaking to e. That time sinumbat ku sa kanya lahat lahat, as in lahat. He never fight back and made me calm, pero wala galit lahat nangibabaw sakin that time. Inisip ku lahat ng sacrifices ko for him then he'll just say that. paulet ulet na nagfaflashback sakin ung mgs nya na un na walang pagmamahal daw. paulet ulet ku binabasa sa inbox ku. paulet ulet ung sakit na nararamdaman ku, lahat. it hurts to the bones. Nung time na un, di ku na alam panu bumangon, lalo pa nun coz Im delayed. That time di ku na alam gagawin ku,Im sooo lutang lagi. Di aku makafocus on my work and on everything. Inisip ku mga mangyayari kung buntis aku, panu na? panu na parents ku? panu na pangarap ku? panu ku sasabihin sa kanilang lahat? panu ku sasabihin kay Rob? anu magiging reaction nya? Inisip ku magiging buhay namin. Ayoko. Di pa ngaun. Thank God it was just delayed. From that moment natauhan aku. Bakit nga ba nangyayari lahat to??? Un ung unang naging tanong ku. Everything happens for there are reasons behind it. Di ku man agad nalaman ung dahilan, madaming kagagahan muna ung dumating pero now I know why. Everything happened because of one thing. MATURITY! Now I can say that Im more maturer that I was before. Its hard to explain but I can feel it. Mas lumalawak na ung understading ku ngaun. And if you'll ask me if I wanted to undo all the things Ivedone, I would say no. It made me a better person now. Kung meron man akung pagsisihan tlga e un ung kay Liz, If I was braver enough to confess her a little faster, she wouldn't suffer much pain. I know until know she doesn't know bout Rob's baby. Gusto ku man sabihin, pero Im not the one na dapat magsabi sa kanya nun, si Rob lang may karapatang magsabe nun sa kanya.
Bakit nga ba ku nasaktan ng bongga?? kasalanan ku din naman. Kasi umasa aku ng sobra. Lahat ng inisip ku at inistall ku sa mind ku e positive, di naman masama maging positive na tao, aun, expectation pala ang right term, nagexpect lang siguro aku ng too much, all my life napaligiran aku ng mga epic fail na relationship, sabe ku sa sarili kun un, hahanap aku ng perfect one. Kala ku kaxe dati it exist, ung mga perfect guy. hmm. right now?? Nung nahimasmasan naku sa pagkakasabe sskin ni rob na wala syang naramdamang pagmamahal, inisip ku do I still love him??. YES. I do, ewan ku ba anung meron sa lalaking un, bat ang laki laki ng impact sa buhay ku. dahil lang ba sya un first love ku, kung un nga dahilan siguro makakarecover din aku, it will take years siguro bago aku totally makamove on, pero ngaun, wala. diku maimagine makipagrelasyon sa kahit na sinong guy. I can forgive him now, kase mas iniisip kung walang matirang sama ng luob sa puso ku, kaxe ayokong paulet ulet balikan lahat ng mga nangyari sa past. I want to start again, I want to pursue again my dreams just like dati, ung career mindset aku. And i just still love him.
